Mississippi Sticks It To The Man, Passes Anti-Bloomberg Bill

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Mississippi is a state commonly known for voting for candidates like recently departed governor Haley Barbour, also known as That Politician Guy From O Brother Where Art Thou, No Not The One With The Dwarf, The Other One Who Likes To Sing Old Timey Songs About Sunshine, so it’s not really known as the home of anarchists everywhere.

That being said, they just saw the rich man with that New York sense of humor (wink, nudge, Jew) going around wanting be all healthy and such, and dang nabbit there’s no way they’re gonna let some guy in New York who has zero jurisdiction in Mississippi tell people in Mississippi what to do! So they’re passing a law known as the “Anti-Bloomberg Bill” prohibiting people from gently encouraging other people not to be fat.

It would ban communities from requiring restaurants to post calorie counts on menus or limit portion sizes, as Mayor Bloomberg tried to do with his proposed ban on large sodas.  Also forbidden: any local rule banning toys from being distributed with kids’ meals.

The governor is expected to sign it.

In what must be a totally unrelated story, Mississippi is officially the most obese state in the nation.

 

Read more at the NY Daily News.

Photo credit: Flickr user Fhardseen

Attorney General Eric Holder Says ‘No’

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This week, Attorney General Eric Holder said it was legal for President Obama to kill Americans with unmanned drones.  Yesterday and into last night, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) launched one of those now-rare epic filibusters, actually going all the way to 1 in the morning in a stand against unwarranted assassinations against Americans by their own government.  Senator Paul then had to go pee.

Before Senator Paul had to go pee, however, he actually stayed on topic.  Senator Paul is being lauded on both sides of the aisle for what actually seems to have been not a political stand for crap, but a principled stand for an ideal against using said drones.

Attorney General Holder listened to his impassioned plea for thirteen (!) hours, and was able to divine one question from it.  His answer?

No.

The full text of his delightfully contrasting letter follows:

 

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In case the letter doesn’t show up, it reads:

Dear Senator Paul:

It has come to my attention that you have now asked an additional question: “Does the President have the authority to use a weaponized drone to kill an American not engaged in combat on American soil?” The answer to that question is no.

 

Politicians are remarkably creative when they want to say “f!#K you.”

 

Politico via Slate

You, America, Keep Buying Things, But You, America, Have No Jobs

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Good news everyone!  Spending recklessly, the only thing that seems to keep the American economic engine going, is up. And this comes despite the fact that you all have no money, or even more no money, than you did before you started spending recklessly again:

Consumer spending in the U.S. rose in January even as incomes dropped by the most in 20 years, showing households were weathering the payroll-tax increase by socking away less money in the bank.

Household purchases, which account for about 70 percent of the economy, climbed 0.2 percent after a 0.1 percent gain the prior month, a Commerce Department report showed today in Washington. The median estimate in a Bloomberg survey of 76 economists called for a 0.2 percent advance.

Continue reading

Candidate for Texas Lieutenant Governor A Bit Loony, Likes Making Internet Memes About Himself

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This is Jerry Patterson, and he is a Real Man running for a Real Office in the Real State of Texas.  You might think this picture is a joke, some sort of satirical fantasy created by a detractor.  “HA! That Jerry Patterson,” you say, noting his seemingly endless devotion to guns and weapons and guns.  “He loves guns so much, he just hands them out like hotcakes for every hallmark holiday!”

But no, really, this guy does love guns.  Even more than you like alliteration.  This image was posted on his own Facebook page, with the caption reading:

 

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I’m posting a special online card for my friends each day until Thursday. On today’s card – a piece of advice for finding the perfect romantic gift for your loved ones.

Jerry Patterson has finally come full-circle, blazing past post-modernism in a chariot of glory and on to a different plane of post-ironic existence, completely misunderstanding what an internet meme is but also how they are used.  Or maybe he does get it?  And feeds off his own parody image?  Maybe it’s a big joke, some sort of performance art?

 

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Yep, he posted that on his Facebook page, too, with the caption “sometimes you see a photo that is too adorable not to share. Happy Tuesday everyone.”

 

Definitely performance art.

 

H/T to Wonkette.

 

 

 

House of Representatives Bans Spotify, Because They Hate Fun

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Being the buzzkills that they are, the U.S. House Office of the Chief Administrative Office has decided to block music streaming program Spotify from the chamber, according to Politico. Although not a peer to peer (P2P) sharing program that allows users to download files from one another, the Office claims it uses similar technology.  According to an office spokesman,

“To help protect House data, our IT policy generally prohibits the use of peer-to-peer (P2P) technologies while operating within the secure network.”

Of course Spotify’s representatives are not too happy about this. Continue reading

Being Fat Has Come Full Circle, Now Considered Safety Precaution

Warzer Jaff/New York Post

America has been proven right, again, as it always is.  A 400 pound woman, whose fatness made her fall through the sidewalk in New York City,  was saved from certain doom by naught but the virtue of being fat.  She tells the New York Post:

“Thank God, they said that my size was the only thing that saved me,” Ulanda Williams, 32, told The Post as she was discharged from NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital.

Williams broke her arm in two places, and the building has been cited for failing to properly maintain itself when it was discovered that steel doors leading to the vault that the woman fell through were faulty.

Luckily, ‘Murika also has one its foremost commentators, Rupert Murdoch, to open his fat mouth, for fatness:

Yes, Ulanda Williams, who works as a social worker, is automatically assumed to be on welfare, by Rupert Murdoch, a man who controls a media empire that includes Fox News and the very New York Post that originally reported the story.  I love the implications of everything about this whole thing.

AMERICA!

White House Responds to Death Star Petition

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Probably the best innovation the executive branch has brought us recently is the online White House Petition creator, We the People, which is basically change.org with the slight possibility that you will get an official response from the American government. The American people have responded by sending the White House some great ideas, but even better than a radical transformation of the legal system has been the proposal to build a Death Star, and no not that Reagan “Star Wars” defense system.

Well today the White House has issued the official response: Continue reading